10 easy ways of making people think you're crazy

1. Wear a coat indoors all the time. This is simple but effective. People no longer trust your judgement at all after one day of indoor coat wearing.

2. Fall off the back of your chair. Ideally executed in large gatherings of contemporaries e.g during a lecture at a centre for learning. Done properly it should elicit absolutely no reaction from those nearby. Raising concern from others means you have fundamentally failed to pass yourself off as a) mental b) dead or c) attention seeking. No one in their right mind would ever have anything to do with someone in their wrong mind.

3. Move around glasses, pepper mills and other dinner table fixtures during a meal, shout "Checkmate!" and leave. I don't know if this one needs explaining.

4. Doing any normal activity in a squatting position. Just think about it. Eating + squatting = Loopy, Wedding Procession + sqautting = Crazy loco, Open heart surgery + squatting = plain stupid, Filling in your tax returns + squatting = a bit uncomfortable etc. Squatting regresses you back to your chimp beginnings. The fact that shitting in a bush is the only justifiable reason for a human to take up a squatting position says it all really.

5. Drawing on yourself in felt tip. If ever there was guiding principle for being a loon it's that 'Mildy errant childish behaviour as a child = criminally insane behavior for an adult'. (See also: Sticking things in ears.) Writing expletives or apocalyptic messages will add extra helpings to the crazy.

6. Sticking things in ears. This can be anything really, pencils hit home the point a little to obviously for some people's tastes, so consider subtler items such as washing detergent or Ferrero Rocher. Those aiming for the more extreme end of the spectrum work with a variety of minerals such as amethyst or iron pyrite. Of course with substances such as these your commitment to 'crazy' has to be weighed up against how prepared you are to permanently damage your hearing.

7. Develop an obsession. This again is of your own choosing. Some people like to stalk certain individuals and fantasize about subjecting them to all manner of depredation, but it can be equally insane to develop an unhealthy fascination with a television sitcom. Everyone is always a little freaked out when you know every single line of the programme - it's incredibly effective.

8. Talk to yourself on the bus. A classic, really. I would've been branded insane for leaving it out. Chuntering about the state of the transport executive and yet another rise in fares is a good place to start, but by the time you reach the terminus try to ensure you are incoherent and dribbling.

9. Make lists. Live your life by meaningless lists. In a list of hobbies put 'Making Lists' as your No 1. hobby. Force these lists on other people and threaten them with savagery until they produce a counter-list. Publish them in a public forum and watch how people avoid you even more.