Welcome to the places of my life

I have been to Portsmouth once and even Dewsbury for a game. And actual Bury, as opposed to the St.Edmonds variety, I've been to twice - for very different reasons each time. Been to Minehead too, once upon an ATP. Bridlington for crab fishing. Been to Scarborough more times than was really necessary. Keswick - been there. Nottingham to see the cricket. Leeds to go to The Royal Armouries. York to go to Jorvik. Willenhall/Wolverhampton/Walsall, that whole West Midlands 'W' conurbation - got that covered. And I've been to Leigh briefly in 1998 and Warrington for an evening in 2006. Been to Liverpool a fair bit, and while we are there I've been to Birkenhead too. And of course this is all to say nothing of the many hours whiled away in far flung Burnley. While we're on Bs, I went to Barnsley for a birthday 'party'. Been to Dover to catch a ferry. Definitely at least driven through Halifax. I've even been to Hull, but not to go to The Deep. Saw a comedian in Lincoln. Caught a train in Derby. Been to Luton airport to board a plane. I almost definitely got out the car to stretch my legs once in Bristol, so that counts too. And who can forget the motorway services at Watford Gap. I certainly can't. I went to Oxford to see a man become a priest and saw a man get killed in Huddersfield And still all this is to say nothing of the woeful time in Salford or that time at Andy's mum's house in Oldham or that shameful evening in Cheadle Hulme. Weekends spent at Flamborough Head and Whitby with scouts. Went to that London too once but it was of limited interest. Got taken to Wales as a baby and came back a baby still. I went to Alton Towers via Uttoxeter. Urgh...flashbacks of Wigan - I spent week there one night. Eddie took me to a record shop in Bolton and my parents took me to see Sooty in Rotherham. I did a guitar exam in Doncaster and played the baritone horn in Leicester and Grantham. I went to Cleethorpes once in 2004, Stinchcombe once in 2013 and Newquay thrice in 2012. God, I've even been to Stockport (to do some filming). My dad chased an escaped rabbit round a garden in Bicester. I definitely went to a muddy Littleborough to see my brother play rugby. I remember rain, museums and (mostly) caravans in Skipton. And all this ALL THIS is to ignore Grindleford, Bakewell, Hope and Great Longstone. And the places I played cricket like Clowne and Bawtry. Matlock has a small zoo of which I have fuzzy dream-like memories. Linton had a lovely village green and my cousins caught fish with their bare hands in the river. I went to the cathedral at Ripon whilst staying at cottage in Pateley Bridge. I cannot recommend Bodmin but I''ve got a lot of love for Padstow. And I have absolutley definitely been taken to Walsingham on a pilgrimage. But I have NEVER been to Newcastle.

Icarus record collection

Chocolate Orange

Correctional facility

Corp!!

"Have you ever been to Corp?"

"Yes, I went once but it was horrendous so I never went again"

The above is an entirely fictitious conversation. It never took place.

Corporation (known locally, affectionately or otherwise, as 'Corp') is a nightclub/cesspit in Sheffield. It's grubby but people are drawn back week after week.
Like most clubs it is basically a series of dark rooms of varying sizes. Unlike most clubs Corp fails to embellish on this basic principle. There is no theme, unless 'sweat, stains and spillages' is a theme. It is essentially a 'rock' club (whatever the hell that means), but due to the cheap vodka it attracts a mixed bunch.
Occasionally they do up the toilets, on last inspection it was an odd mix of faux-marble and plywood, but nothing really changes. There's still pools of vomit to dodge and there's always some unfortunate fellow passed out in the cubicle, door open, trousers round his ankles by half 10.
It's horrible but it's continuing filthiness is comforting. We have always said it is the quintessential Sheffield night out. It represents the city well.

So...as the old adage goes:

Come to Corp (but do not wear your good shoes).

This is fucking terrible

However, Graeme Garden has one hell of a look going on there. It's where I see myself in 5 years time (though the 'G' dungarees might be a step too far).

Avast ye, Mickey

(A friend of mine has a history of repeated contractual obligation to Walt Disney whereby he does stuff for or on behalf of Mr. Disney in exchange for money. 'Working' I think they call it. His role within Walt's prestigious organisation is to help satisfy the gluttonous desires of Americans who "just love" his British accent. 'Waiting' I think they call it. All very difficult to get one's head around I know, but get this - his new contract has him out on the high seas. In his honour I have written a poem that is as moving as it is nonsensical)


Ahhhh the sea
That cruel mistress
That choppy whore
That damn watery bastard
Ahhhh the sea


The things men must have seen
Friends gone mad from scurvy
Storms of monstrous proportions
And all you can eat buffet 
Where the chicken nuggets are piled high
And are fashioned into the shape of Donald Duck
The things men must have seen


It's a tough life 
You learn to respect the sea
And roll with it's every whim
Sometimes a man survives only on his wits 
And a measly 10% tip
It's a tough life


Out across the water
Up to the endless horizon
(and further) 
Hollow cries ring out
In a language only men of the sea can really understand
"Today's specials are..." the visceral howl begins...
Several leagues pass before the specials come to a close and they do so to a collection of 'Hmm Yeses' and "Well they all sound so tasty"
There is a strong nautical kinship here and this natural back and forth is common to people of the sea


Great torrents of Disneyfied loveliness
On the high and low seas
And also the medium seas (Lest they be forgotten)
Where once there were swashbucklers and armadas and American aircraft carriers
There is now only Disney as far as the eye can see
Snow White runs a small fishing vessel off the coast of Newfoundland
Nothing fancy, no big haul
But it makes her happy and puts the dwarfs to good use
Goofy takes his high speed catamaran out for a run around Hawaii a couple of times every week
It's done wonders for his social life
And The Beauty and The Beast are often spotted out on their tandem kayak
The ocean is theirs


Ahhhh the sea
That big wet thing
I hope it treats you kindly

Uncorrected Personality Traits

Memoirs # 15

(or 'Ancestral Apathy: The family tradition of busying ourselves with other things whilst nations engage each other in lengthy and bloody wars' ) 


Despite what I chose to believe as a child, none of my grandparents saw active service during the Second World War.


Through no fault of their own, Grandads Delamere and Biggins were epileptic and Irish respectively.

Gin